There is a curious contradiction in the way some people respond to praise. You might spend days hoping someone notices your work, appearance, effort, or progress, only to feel uncomfortable when they finally say something positive.
“You look great today” can produce an immediate, “Really? I barely did anything.”
“That presentation was excellent” may be followed by, “It wasn’t that good.”
You may smile, laugh, look away, change the subject, or explain why the compliment is not quite accurate.
Psychology suggests that this response is not necessarily ingratitude or false modesty. For some people, particularly those with negative or uncertain views of themselves, praise can create a mismatch between how they see themselves and how another person sees them.
Research by psychologists David Kille, Richard Eibach, Joanne Wood, and John Holmes has examined why people with lower self-esteem can have more difficulty accepting and benefiting from positive feedback.
Self-image
One useful way to understand uncomfortable praise is through self-verification theory, developed by psychologist William Swann.
The theory suggests that people are motivated to maintain a sense of consistency between their experiences and their existing beliefs about themselves.
In everyday terms, people often find familiar information easier to accept, even when that information is negative.
Imagine someone who privately believes they are not particularly talented. Their manager says, “You handled that project brilliantly.”
The comment is positive, but it does not fit the person’s existing self-image.
Instead of simply enjoying the praise, they may begin questioning it.
Did the manager really mean it?
Were they just being polite?
Was the project actually that good?
Did I really deserve the compliment?
The discomfort can come from the gap between the feedback and the person’s established view of themselves.
Self-verification
Research by Swann, Pelham, and Krull examined the tension between self-enhancement, the desire for positive information, and self-verification, the desire for information that feels consistent with one’s self-view.
This creates an interesting psychological situation. A person can genuinely want recognition while simultaneously finding positive feedback difficult to believe.
Consider someone who wants their writing to be noticed. They may hope for weeks that a colleague will acknowledge their ability.
When the colleague finally says, “You’re a very talented writer,” the person might immediately respond, “I’m really not that good.”
The desire for validation was genuine. The difficulty comes when accepting that validation requires the person to reconsider an established belief about themselves.
Self-esteem
Not everyone who dislikes compliments has low self-esteem. Personality, culture, social expectations, past experiences, and individual communication styles can all influence how someone responds to praise.
Research has nevertheless found associations between self-esteem and reactions to positive feedback.
In a 2017 study, Kille and colleagues found that participants with lower self-esteem experienced more self-related concerns and negative affect after receiving compliments. They were also more likely to devalue positive feedback.
Imagine someone who frequently worries about their appearance. A friend says, “You look really good today.”
The comment may feel pleasant for a moment. But if it conflicts with a long-standing belief such as “I never look good,” the person may immediately search for another explanation.
“She’s just being nice.”
“The lighting is good.”
“She probably says that to everyone.”
The compliment is not necessarily being rejected because the person dislikes the friend or does not appreciate the gesture. The positive information may simply be difficult to reconcile with an established self-image.
Attention
Compliments can also feel uncomfortable because they create attention.
When someone praises you, even briefly, you become the focus of the interaction. If you are naturally private or uncomfortable with attention, that shift can create self-consciousness.
You might suddenly wonder:
How should I respond?
Should I just say thank you?
Will agreeing make me sound arrogant?
Did everyone hear that?
These questions can make an otherwise simple interaction feel complicated.
Compliments are also social exchanges, not just statements about someone’s qualities. Linguist Janet Holmes has studied compliment exchanges and described compliments as forms of positive politeness while also examining the interactional difficulties they can create.
That helps explain why a simple “You did a great job” can sometimes require more mental processing than expected.
Arrogance
Another factor is the fear of appearing conceited.
Many people learn that openly agreeing with praise can be socially uncomfortable. If someone says, “Your presentation was fantastic,” you may think, “Thank you,” while instinctively answering, “Oh, it was nothing.”
Self-deprecating humor can serve a similar purpose.
“Thanks, but you should have seen the first version.”
The joke acknowledges the compliment while reducing the intensity of the attention.
In this sense, the response is not necessarily about rejecting the praise. It can be a way of managing the social situation.
The person may be trying to balance two expectations: accepting another person’s kindness while avoiding the impression that they think too highly of themselves.
Specificity
The type of compliment can also matter.
Compare:
“You’re amazing.”
with:
“Your explanation of that complicated idea was really clear.”
The second statement is more specific. It identifies something observable and gives the recipient a concrete reason for the positive feedback.
That distinction may be particularly useful for people who struggle with broad statements about their personal worth.
Someone may have difficulty accepting “I am talented” while finding it easier to accept “I explained that part clearly.”
Research involving low self-esteem and positive feedback has also examined how people interpret and mentally process compliments. Kille and colleagues found evidence that encouraging a more concrete way of thinking could reduce differences between people with lower and higher self-esteem in their perceptions of positive regard from close others.
The finding suggests that positive feedback may sometimes be easier to absorb when it is connected to something specific rather than presented as a sweeping judgment about who someone is.
Recognition
There is also a difference between wanting praise and wanting to feel seen.
A person may not need to hear, “You’re the best.” They may simply want someone to recognize the effort they made.
Consider a parent who spends several hours organizing a family event. They might appreciate hearing, “I noticed how much work you put into making everyone comfortable.”
That statement recognizes an action rather than making a broad judgment about the person’s value.
For someone who finds compliments difficult to accept, that distinction can matter.
Recognition says, “I noticed what you did.”
A broader compliment can feel more like, “This is who you are.”
The first may be easier to connect with because it points toward something concrete.
Meaning
Research by Denise Marigold, John Holmes, and Michael Ross found that people with low self-esteem could respond more positively to compliments from romantic partners when encouraged to think about the meaning and significance of those compliments.
Participants reported more positive feelings toward the compliments, themselves, and their relationships.
This offers an important perspective. The answer may not simply be telling someone to “learn to take a compliment.”
It may be more useful to understand what the compliment represents.
Instead of thinking, “They think I’m wonderful,” someone might consider, “They noticed that I stayed late to help with the project.”
The second thought provides evidence that can be evaluated. It connects the positive feedback to an observable action.
Over time, those concrete observations may make broader positive beliefs feel less unfamiliar.
Acceptance
An awkward response does not necessarily mean the compliment was unwanted.
Sometimes the person saying, “Oh, stop,” actually hoped someone would notice.
That is part of what makes compliments psychologically interesting. A person can want recognition and still feel vulnerable when they receive it.
Praise can provide warmth while simultaneously creating attention, challenging an established self-image, and raising questions about how to respond.
The next time you feel the urge to immediately dismiss a compliment, it may be worth noticing what happens internally before explaining it away.
Perhaps the issue is not that you dislike being praised.
Perhaps you are simply trying to reconcile two different pictures: the person you have learned to believe you are and the person someone else has just told you they see.
With enough specific, credible, and consistent positive feedback, those pictures do not necessarily have to remain so far apart.
FAQs
Why do compliments make me uncomfortable?
Praise can conflict with your self-image or make you feel exposed.
Does rejecting praise mean low self-esteem?
Not always. Many social and personal factors can shape this response.
Why do I dismiss compliments?
You may be trying to reduce attention or resolve a self-image mismatch.
Are specific compliments easier to accept?
They can be easier because they connect praise to something concrete.
Can accepting compliments get easier?
Yes. Consistent and specific feedback can make praise feel more familiar.
